now hiring: sexual security guard

The most important person in your relationship?  Isn’t you.  Or her.  Or him.  It’s a third party.  The most life saving, existence enhancing, happiness insuring party you can imagine.  You probably don’t have one, yet.  You need to get one, now.

Who the hell am I talking about?  Glad ya asked.

It’s your “SSG”; sexual security guard.  Consider him a chaperon of chaos.  An anger wrangler.  An escalation assassin. He’s the person you both have on speed dial.  #1 on your list (sorry mom, you’ve been bumped, I know you’ll understand).  The person you call.  Before you even think about calling; the police.

People are very naive.  Especially girl people.  They don’t realize how the law works, and how a single phone call during a heated argument or scary situation can change the world.  Ruin lives.  Destroy relationships.

We live in interesting times.  Logic and objective justice has been thrown out the window in favor of heavy handed, broad stroke punishments.  The second the police are called to the scene of a falling out between a couple?  The most dreaded two words in the history of male-dom are evoked; “Domestic Violence”.  The consequences?  You can’t even imagine.  But need to think about, if you love your fella or lady friend.

Obviously, there are circumstances where this form of swift, severe retribution is not only needed, but appropriate.  Abusive partners need to learn a lesson.  Watch an episode of Cops or two and you’ll soon agree.  People (even toothless people in stained overalls) have a right to be safe, and the law is there to protect them.

But.  What about other situations that get out of hand?  One off events?  Freaky, sudden outbursts that don’t qualify as truly dangerous?  Situations between two people who know they love each other deeply, even when something snaps?

This, my dear friends and readers, is when it’s SSG to the rescue.  And then some.

Your SSG needs to be someone you both know, and trust.  With your lives.  It needs to be someone who understands the dynamics of your relationship.  Most importantly, it needs to be someone who can be relied on, day (or especially) night to spring into action and be on scene swiftly when things turn sour.  Someone who knows how to turn the emotional volume down a few notches and insure an argument, no matter how heated, doesn’t turn dangerous.

You need someone like this.  All loving, sincerely intentioned, hopeful couples do.

The best part?

Your SSG can always call the police if needed.

In my opinion?

It rarely will be.