personal accountability: orgasms edition

I believe it was John F Kennedy who wisely said;  “Ask not what your partner can do for your orgasms; ask instead, what can your orgasms do for you.“  The answer;  a lot.  I’ve always said (see here) that outside the wonderful world of substances, an orgasm is the penultimate pinnacle of pleasure available to human beings.  I still do, and it still is.  Knowing this, why on earth would you put the power of achieving that pleasure in the hands (penis, tongue, fingers, etc) of someone else?  You wouldn’t.  You shouldn’t.  Don’t.

As the saying goes;  if you want something done right, you do it yourself.

There is one question I have never, and will never, ask a girl.  “Did you cum?”  Years ago, avoiding this question was probably a sign of insecurity on my part.  A nervousness about having the ability to help someone achieve an orgasm.  This was probably a wise move on my part.  Make that “a very wise move”.  Nowadays, this is the furthest thing from my mind.  (Or the minds of my girlfriends.  Rawr!)  At this point I’d never ask that question for a far more important reason: I.  Don’t.  Care.

Does this mean I don’t care about her?  Us?  My skills in the bedroom?  No.

It simply means I’ve realized that an orgasm, every orgasm, is an entirely independent event.  An event that I’m entirely responsible for.  As is she.  Whether I’m masturbating alone or about to share a spectacularly sweaty, simultaneous peak with my girlfriend, the orgasm itself is mine.  The pleasure, the rush of blood to both heads, the stars that seem to explode from the ceiling showering me with warmth and joy…  they’re mine.  Why?  I’ve earned them.  By working for them.  I know how good getting off is.  I want that orgasm.  Badly.  I’m going to do everything in my power, mentally and physically speaking, to insure I get it.

It’s up to her to do the same.

One thing I find fascinating about girls is this;  they’re lazy.  Calm down, feministas.  Not all girls, and not in every way.  However, I’ve seen a lot of evidence to support this theory.

Women who, although intelligent, talented and dripping with potential, spend their time dreaming about / actually persuing a rich husband.  A “sugar daddy”.  Someone who can help them trade in their work-a-day world for a luxe life of shopping and poolside mimosas.  What a redeeming existance indeed.  I’ve also seen girls with insane artistic talent rotting away in a cubicle.  Why? The pay is good and they’d hate to sacrifice their lifestyle in the pursuit of something more fulfilling.  More important.  More divine.  Truth be told, I’ve seen plenty of guys who suffer this same fate.

The biggest place I see my theory of girls being lazy justified?   The bedroom.  Well, their bedrooms.  Not mine.  (Duh.)  Girls are plenty prolific in one way;  finding excuses they’re not achieving orgams.

“I’ve never had one, why should I expect to start now?”

“He’s just not doing it right.. that must be the reason I’m not cumming.”

“I love him dearly, but he just doesn’t do.. it.. for me.”

The list could fill ten volumes.

While any of these things could be true, none of them have to be.

“I’ve never had one, why should I expect to start now?”

There was a time when you didn’t know how to ride a bike.  Cook oatmeal.  Smoke a joint.  You learned those things didn’t you?  You enjoy them?  Not as much as you’re gonna enjoy this.  You need to stop the self-limiting belief that you don’t deserve / can’t achieve / won’t learn to bask in the glow of a tingly orgasm.  Open your mind.  Then open your legs.  Hit the books.  Or the vibrator.  Or both.  Practice makes perfect and if you’ve never achieved orgasm on your own, you’ll never ever get there with someone else in the room.

“He’s just not doing it right.. that must be the reason I’m not cumming.”

He’s not doing it right?  He doesn’t realize this?  Tis absurd considering he’s a certified mind-reader with skills in the telepathic arts.  He isn’t one of those?  Oh shit, then I guess you’d better open your mouth.  If you’re comfortable enough with someone to share a naked romp in bed with them, you should be comfortable enough to tell them what turns you on, and off.  What to say.  What to do.  What not to do.

“I love him dearly, but he just doesn’t do.. it.. for me.”

You love him dearly?  How dearly do you love yourself?  Hopefully, more so than anyone on earth (see here).  You deserve an orgasm as much as he does.  If you truly love him, and yourself, you need to find a way of getting ‘there’.  The benefits for your own health and happiness, let alone those of the relationship, are priceless beyond belief.  Think about what’s really holding you back.  It may be your upbringing, his technique (or lack thereof, see point above about that), or him.  The first two can be overcome with practice and communication.  The third?  Can’t.  Choose your lovers accordingly.

To conclude; I’m a guy.  In most cases, getting off is easy.  Real easy.  Other times though, I have to work at it.  I’m a hard worker at this job.  It’s a job that pays well.  Very well.  If I don’t reach climax during sex, it’s entirely my fault, not hers.  My orgasms are too important to trust to other people.  However much I love them.

Girls and guys alike, listen up:

If you’re getting off?  Pat yourself on the back.

If you’re not?  Kick yourself in the ass.

You’ve no one to blame but yourself.

yours in hugs and “o” faces,
cash