trophy wife vs. trophy wise

Mark my words.  One day.  I will have.  A trophy wife.  How do I know this?  Two reasons.  First, I know myself.  Second, I’m trophy wise.  What the hell is ‘trophy wise’?  Glad ya asked.  “Trophy wise” is the state of knowing that anyone, be they a short term girlfriend or boyfriend, long term live-in-lover, or wife.. especially wife, should be a trophy.  To you.  Your personal trophy.  Based on your core values.  Your true goals.  Your honest beliefs.

Traditionally, “trophy wife” is a derogatory term used to describe a physically attractive woman (with no other redeeming qualities) married for the alleged ’status’ the partnership conveys.  This concept is bullshit on so many levels I wouldn’t know where to begin.  Anything acquired or desired as a ’status symbol’ (see here) is a one way ticket to hell.  The Reality of Superiority will own you before your first alimony check clears.

A trophy, in a more accurate sense, is something earned in return for a unique accomplishment.  Something you cherish.  Something you’re truly proud of.  If you’re in a relationship where you’re not absolutely, positively overwhelmed with the pride you take in your partner, you need to find a new one.  Period.

I don’t mean looks.  Well, not just looks.  Let’s face facts, they play a part.  I can’t describe the feeling of walking into my company’s xmas party this year with my lovely girlfriend on my arm.  Her shiny black heels?  Out-shined only by her shiny black dress.  Her shiny black dress?  Out-shined only by her brilliant smile.  Her brilliant smile?  Out-shined only by her brilliant self.  If there had been a record playing, it would have scratched to a halt.  Like in the movies.  Every head in the room turning, looking at her.  Looking at me.  Looking rather astonished.  Rubes!  Have you met me?  :-)  Still, it was a magic moment in Cash Life to be sure.  More magical yet?  The half hour or so I spent the next work day explaining to my drooling co-workers how her personality, passions, outlook and energy are infinitely more attractive, more appealing, more important, to me than her ravishing good looks.  Tis true, tis true.

To have a healthy relationship, you need to see your partner as a trophy.  Someone who impresses you.  Intrigues you.  Inspires you.  If you’re with someone you spend more time belittling, making snide comments about, or generally looking down upon, you’re not trophy wise.

Two of my good friends, sexual conquistadors (see here) you might say, have something in common.  Both have had sex with plenty of girls they’d never consider introducing to me.  Or anyone else.  “Scooters”, I believe is the insanely insensitive term used for girls like this.

“She’s fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to catch you on her.”

Urg.

If you don’t take pride in the girl or guy you’re with, you’re not trophy wise.

If you’re not trophy wise?

You’ll never have a trophy life.

As for me?  I am, and I do.

Trophy wise up, people.

Your love lives depend on it.