manage your own fucking expectations

One of the most disturbing movies of all time is also one of the most educational.  “The Shape of Things” is the story of a normal, somewhat awkward guy (played with typical aplomb by Paul Rudd) who falls in love with an edgy, anarchist art student (sinister succubus Rachel Weisz).  The pair seem completely mismatched from the start.  As the relationship develops however, her influence over him takes a truly diabolical turn.  The film’s conclusion, revelaing her true motivations for being with him, is astonishingly evil.  He’s left with a brutally broken heart, you’re left feeling sick to your stomach.

But you shouldn’t be.

When I first saw the movie, five or six years ago, my friend and I quickly agreed:

“He should have her killed.”

Massive realignments in my mindset since then however, have completely changed my feelings on the subject.

His broken heart.. wait for it.. wait for it.. is his own damn fault.

In customer service, and business in general, one of the age old maxims is ‘manage your customers’ expectations’.  It makes sense.  Over promising and under-delivering is a sure fire way to piss people off and lose business.

Most people don’t realize the same concept applies, and is infinitely more important, when considering your own expectations.

People are idealists.  Dreamers.  Suckers.  When faced with a perspective outcome, they typically focus on the best case scenario rather than the guaranteed benefits.  Or the potential pitfalls.

This is why pyramid schemes work.

This is why the lottery exists.

This is why people get married.

Now far be it from me, hyper-optimist-to-my-core to imply for a second that best case scenarios can’t be achieved (and shouldn’t be expected, actually.)

The true key to happiness however?

Manage your own fucking expectations in the mean time.

This will save you more pain and suffering than you can imagine.

Back to the movie.  So our hero is heartbroken in the end.  Why?  First, he misjudged her motivations (see here).  For another thing, he truly believed they would live happily ever after.  His only goal in the relationship was staying together.  Not a bad goal to have , obviously.  But short sighted.  Incomplete.  His problem, and I think the audience’s (myself included on first viewing) was becoming so fixated on it that when it doesn’t happen.. everyone’s devastated.

Meanwhile, he’s reaped numerous, lasting benefits from the experience.

First off, she’s beautiful, passionate, and driven.  The movie alludes to his prior girlfriends being dull, homely losers.  She inspires him to come out of his shell and be more motivated with his life.

Next, the sex.  Holy hell, the sex.  It’s freak-a-deek, sweatacular, deviant chaos in the bedroom.  Again, something completely foreign to him before the relationship.

These two things alone should give him plenty to be grateful for, even after they break up.  She’s opened his eyes to new possibilities.  Eyes opened in this way are rarely closed again.
Opening them in the first place is the difficult part.

But wait!  There’s more!  Sooo much more.

Some of the changes she encourages him to make (including one permanent physical alteration you won’t believe) all serve to bolster his confidence.  Incredibly.  Irreversibly.  You can hardly recognize him at the end of the film vs beginning.  He’s a different person.  In a good way.

Finally, he’s learned from the horror of the finale itself.  Granted, there’s no way on earth the black-magic-shit-show of a move she pulls will ever come up again.  Still, he’s stronger for it.  He knows what to watch out for.  Who to avoid.  Where to draw the line.

He knows how to manage his own fucking expectations.

We should all be so wise.

I think the key to managing your own expectations comes down to recognizing two things.  These two things apply to every relationship, situation, and possibility you will ever face.

I call these things:

CASH’S DUAL-CORE OF EXPERIENCE

1)  Base Benefits

2)  Potential Pleasures

The Base Benefits are the good parts of the here and now. The things you love about being with him.  The way your boss talks about you to his peers.  The way she encourages you to write, above all else.

These things are gorgeous.  Invaluable.  Divine.  There’s no money back guarantee, but you don’t need one.  They’re perfect.  As is.  Right now.

No waiting.

No question marks.

Nothing left to chance or fate.

They’re yours.  Recognize them as the blessing they are.  Take advantage.  Be grateful.  The Base Benefits of any experience you have may well be the *only* benefits.  Consider them consciously.  Embrace them fully.

Next, we have the Potential Pleasures.

These are the best case scenarios.  The happily ever afters.  The dreams come true.  Marrying this girl, someday, because you just know she’s perfect for you.  Getting that big promotion after working your ass off for years. Getting ripped abs and a tight butt from that rubber-band-torture-trap Susanne Somers is peddling on TV.

They’re beautiful.  Seductive.  Imaginary.  For now.  At least.  They’re inspiring as hell.  They  can be devastating to the same degree.  If you fixate on them.   If you overlook the Base Benefits of each passing moment.  If you don’t manage your own fucking expectations.

Don’t look too far into the future.

Enjoy the good in the here and now.

Manage your expectations, manipulate your life.