volunteer work that doesn’t suck

I’ve done volunteer work exactly twice.  The first time, I spent a (seemingly endless) Saturday afternoon in a cramped, windowless prison at the Red Cross offices stuffing envelopes after 9/11.  The second time, I spent a day helping build a house with Habitat for Humanity.  Anyone who knows me should see the side-splitting humor apparent in this endeavor.

“So this long stick with the metal on it, what’s this called again?”

“A hammer.”

“Ooooh.”

In both cases, I knew I was doing good, but never got to actually see it.  This, plus the fact that volunteer work is by its very nature ’selfless’ (”Hey, what’s in it for Cash?!”) probably explains why more people aren’t volunteering on a regular basis.

It’s too bad there isn’t a form of volunteering that offers both instant gratification, and very selfish rewards.

Friends, readers, countrymen, I’m here to tell you: there is.

It’s volunteering information.  What the hell am I talking about?  Glad ya asked.

Back in my days as an ‘aspiring pick up artist’ (gag!) one guy I admired was Wayne Elise (aka “Juggler”).  He said that making statements rather than asking questions was the key to good conversation.  It’s also the key to getting more of what you want.  It works because it lets the other person jump in on a topic they might not think to bring up themselves.  A common interest, experience, etc.

When I’m talking to someone, especailly strangers, I do this as much as I can.  At the very least, it energizes the conversation.  At the very most, it opens the door to black market cigarettes and high grade pharmaceuticals.  Ah, Cash life.

Some examples:

Cute bank teller:  So how’s it going?

Cash:  Oh my gawd.. awesome.  Just got a bike and rode it to work for the first time today.

Cute bank teller: NO WAY!  My boyfriend and I JUST got bikes and we’ve been riding to work this whole week…

(upbeat conversation follows about biking, capitol hill, and strangely, the Gilmour Girls (?)

And another:

Cool clerk:  Yeah man, they just went up.  Colorado tax increase on cigarettes.

Cash: It’s so funny.  They think if they raise the price high enough, people will stop smoking.  All it’s gonna do is open the door for black market cigarettes.

Cool clerk (leaning in, lowering voice): Yeah, I know. My girlfriend has family in Mexico.  We’re supposed to go down there next week.  We’re working out a way to get cigarettes back.  On a regular basis.

Cash:  No freaking way..  you’ll uh, keep me posted?

Cool clerk:  Oh yeah.

And the coup de taut:

Cash:  So I tried x-anex the other day.

Old friend: Really?  Why?

Cash:  Why not?  Life’s a collection of experiences; nothing more, nothing less.  That’s one more I’ve had.

Old friend: How was it?

Cash:  Faaaantastic.

Old friend:  You know, my neice just had dental surgery.  They gave her some crazy pills to relax her.  She used like two.  Want me to bring you some?

Cash:  Uh, yes.

Lorazepram, ahoy.

Information, thank you for volunteering.