2008 modern drunkard convention review

Leslie, dishy drunkard diva

This past weekend was the annual Modern Drunkard convention.  I was lucky enough to attend the closing ceremonies (well, pretty much all of the ceremonies happening Sunday).

A few thoughts on the experience:

1.  Pace yourself.

You think you’re fierce?  A real tuff guy drinker, ready to go liver to liver with the best of us?  Player, please.  I’m not known as the drunken sherpa for nothing, yet even I had one worry about the debauchery in store at the convention:  puking up all that alkeeholic goodness.

Each day’s worth of MDC fun lasts a respectable 12 hours or so.  I’m happy to say that even with a wide variety of spirits assaulting my stomach (think bloody marys, followed by pint after pint of assorted beer, interspersed with all manner of shots from whiskey to vodka) I never once heeded the call of the porcelain palace.  Slow and steady wins the race, not fast and gaggy.

2.  True drunkards are a gentle sort.

Unlike the frat-party-rejects-on-the-rampage idiocy of your typical night @ the Sports Column / Lodos / Public House, etc; the entire day of the convention seemed to retain a certain inebriated zen.  People in various states of severe intoxication mixed, mingled, and maintained an air of drunken camaraderie that didn’t once descend into fisticuffs.

3.  Family Guy Pinball is gawdamn good pinball

I’d say FGP falls right into third place for me behind only KISS and The Twilight Zone as the best pinball ever.  (See my thoughts on those two gems here) Where else can I hear Stewie insulting me for my every botched ball drop?  Oh you’re damn right it’s time for a sexy party.  Only thing missing?  More greased up deaf guy.

“It’s bringin’ me to my knees”

4.  Drunken, almost unconscious karaoke, is gawdamn good karaoke

There were (as I recall) three ‘events’ scheduled for Sunday.  The first was a cocktail napkin art contest (Bob, Leslie.. you were both ROBBED).  The next, some sort of seminar on-stage that I missed entirely in favor of getting harrasy with my party at our table & the sweet leather couch next door (see pic above.. meow!)

The third event of the night?  Karaoke, natch.  I can honestly say I outdid even my own past achievements in the Karaoke arts with my heartfelt rendition of Def Leppard’s “Love Bites”, with every poignant line acted out onstage for my rapt audience.

The M.C. perhaps summed up the experience best:

Well everyone, looks like Cash made quite a mess up here with his beer.  Lucky for you, he was nice enough to clean up most of it with his own pants”.

That’s right yall, you best recognize.  (My windmill break-dance antics during a later crooner’s take on “Ice Ice Baby” is another story entirely.)

5.  Congrats to Bob - Finishing 1/2 the Pint Gauntlet Challange, is still better than paying full price

There was an ongoing contest afoot open to all takers.  Consume 20 pints (basically doing a tap run of the 20 brews on offer) in 8 hours, and get them all free.  Make it half way through?  1/2 off.  Our own friend and drunken warrior Bob accepted the challenge and made it through 12 pints, earning a 50% discount on his beer tab.  Atta boy, now time for your real job.. Getting Loaded!

Thanks to all the fine folks @ MDM for hosting such a kick ass event.

See you all in 2009.

blow energy drink review

Opening the door to my tiny apartment, I was overwhelmed at what I saw. Wrapped tightly in layers of cellophane, a kilo of coke. Sitting on my bed. Thinking my wildest dreams had somehow come true (I kid, I kid) I rushed in and began tearing open the white square package with the scorpion logo on it.

In reality, it was the promo materials from BLOW energy drink. Even if you have no interest in coke whatsoever, the extent to which they take their marketing is truly impressive. And freaking hilarious.

Blow energy drink is a white powder that comes in small plastic vials. The intent is to mix it in the beverage of your choice. The alcoholic beverage of your choice, if the enclosed recipe guide is to be followed.

A few favorites?

Lindsay Blowhan - Vodka & Soda + 2 caps of BLOW

Nose bleed - Vodka, Sprite, Splash Grenadine + 1 cap BLOW

Designated Driver - Vial of BLOW & 16oz of Water

The energy comes from Taurine, a smattering of B vitamins, 240 mg of Caffeine, and Kola Nut Extract.

The taste is rather fruity, almost kool aid like. I mixed it with Vodka as well as water and was pleased with the results. Not a punch in the face of stimulation, but definitely a great pick me up.

Being a dedicated journalist, I naturally had to see how BLOW would fare taken in the ahem, ‘traditional’ way.

That’s right. I snorted a couple of lines. (The promo sheets all warned specifically against this). It was bad. Like 33x worse than snorting Pixie Stix as a kid bad. The stinging lasted for an hour, and I’m not sure I even felt its effects.

Stick to the recommended technique for consumption (mixed in your favorite beverage) and you won’t be disappointed.

BLOW is currently receiving a massive backlash from conservative groups who decry the cocaine centric marketing campaign. They are calling for a national boycott, and recall of the product.

Logan Gola, company founder, has apparently received death threats as a result of his product launch.

We don’t glamorize drug use, we mock it. We flirt with and spoof the drug culture that existed in our society during the late 1980’s”.

All the more reason to stock up on BLOW now.

my god does tv suck

Having been out of the TV loop for almost ten years (no cable / satellite / etc) I must admit feeling a certain deranged thrill when I find myself at someone else’s house with remote in hand. Such was the case last night when I ended up staying over at my parent’s house.

My findings?

80 channels and not a damn thing on. I must have flipped through the stations for close to an hour before settling on going back and forth between a censored, chock full of commercials version of Cruel Intentions (don’t hate, it’s a favorite of mine) and some soap opera on Telemundo.

What the hell.

the true cost of commuting

As most of our ever savvy UM readers may have guessed, right now I’ve got an ahem, “unexpectedly open schedule”.  As I spend time working to fill it once again, I’ve been pondering the true value of my time.

Leaving behind a 3 hour daily commute is something I’ve been dying to do for ages.  Leaving behind the paycheck.. well, not so much (er, duh).

Still, regaining 60 hours (if I’m blessed with a downtown job I can walk to, or even a telecommute situation) of my life every month has its own mental rewards, but what about the financial aspect?

UM favorite Tim Ferriss touches on this subject often (in 4HWW, and elsewhere), but I’ll give just one thought provoking calculation for you.

Let’s say you earn $75,000 a year.

The ‘accepted’ amount of hours per year is 2080.

The hourly rate in this example then would be calculated like so:

75000/2080

=$36/hour (rounded)

So in this example if a person earning $75,000 / year was able to save 3 hours a day, 5 times a week, 4 times a month:

$36/hour x 3 hours/day x 5 times/week x 4 times a month =

$2160/month

Over the course of a year?

$25,920

Granted, this isn’t money back in your pocket if you choose to squander the time.

If you spend even a fraction of those hours working on automated income streams, or practicing a hobby that could someday produce an income (in my case, the ongoing cycle of grueling frustration / orgasmic reward that is learning to DJ), those hours can prove quite lucrative indeed.

For me specifically?  I’ve reanalyzed my ‘acceptable’ hourly rate to consider the benefits of taking back so much of my life.

I know I’m good for it.

urban hijinks: d.i.y. spy camera

As if we don’t have enough ongoing series around here, I’m throwing ‘urban hijinks’ into the mix. In short, a collection of tips and tricks for having fun (sometimes on the borderline of the law) with your downtown living. I’m hoping this series will generate a lot of emails with your own suggestions. UM readers are a mischievous bunch. Thank God.

Enjoying my, er, ‘accidental vacation’ this last week and a half, I’ve found myself pouring through a lot of unmarked DVDs and the like. One set of old digital photos in particular caught my attention for their sheer brilliance.

A former friend of mine used to live at 17th and Champa, in the Boston Lofts building. Anyone familiar with downtown Denver knows what a pimp location this is, especially for people watching. This innovative gent came up with a simple way to take the art of people watching to the next level.

Tools required:

Digital Camera

Binoculars

Technique:

Simplicity itself. Somewhere along the way, digital camera optics and (even quite cheap) binocular optics became so good, combining them for spytastic fun was made possible.

Get your binocs focused, more or less, on the area you wish you photograph; hold the digital camera lens up to one of the eye pieces, and then adjust the final focus using the camera.

Simplicity, and boobies, itself.

r.i.p: polar bear snuff

It’s not often that the internet pisses me off, but when it does, it REALLY does.  Doing research into over-the-counter stimulants led me to a bizarre description of perhaps the strangest legal upper ever;

Polar Bear is a gorgeous white powder that you snort, sniff demurely or pack into your sinuses like cotton wadding. Going straight through your mucus membranes, Polar Bear is an instant rush.

An unlike ‘the other white powder’ I’m sure none of you are familiar with, Polar Bear Snuff isn’t damaging to your nostrils:

All you’ll find in the powder is “caffeine crystals, kava kava, red kirin, ginseng, oil of clove and wintergreen, natural menthol crystals.” The wintergreen and menthol really opened up everyone’s sinuses, but about half of our volunteers found the taste of Polar Bear unpleasant at the back of their throats. Most went back for seconds, however.

The review left me racing to google in an effort to order Polar Bear Snuff for a proper review.  It took all of about 60 seconds to realize two things;

1. The article reviewing it was from 1996.
2. Polar Bear Snuff is no longer on the market

Damn you internet and your teasing ‘historical archive of everything awesome that the government probably deemed too fun to keep on the market’ ways.

Hmpf.

how to save money at the strip club

I haven’t paid a cover charge at a ‘gentleman’s club’ in close to a year. Most likely, I’ll never have to again, at least not here in Denver.  Why?  I’ve learned a few tricks of the trade for saving moolah at the house of jiggles.  From cover charges, to drinks, food and beyond, Urban Monarch can help you keep those dollars where they belong: in your wallet.

In the old days; I used to go to the strip club to have a few drinks, drop (more than) a few dollars at the stages and tables and leave with a smile on my face and a lot fewer twenties in my bank account.

Nowadays, I go to practice.

Contrary to what most women believe, strippers are the worlds toughest crowd socializing wise.  This is especially true if you arn’t buying dances or drinks for/from them.  For me, reaching the ‘hook point’ with a gorgeous stripper is a unique thrill. Doing so while spending a total of $20 or less for a whole night’s entertainment?  Even better.

Regardless of your reason for going however, saving money is easier than you think.

CASH’S TIPS FOR A CHEAPER STRIP CLUB EXPERIENCE

• Go early, on a weekday if possible.  Many clubs offer reduced cover at these times, as well as happy hour specials for drinks.  Additonal tip:  Go in the afternoon, get your hand stamped, and come back later (when the hotter girls are likely dancing).
• Read your city’s local ‘alternative weekly’ newspaper.  Here in Denver, most strip clubs have ads in Westword,  New Times Media’s Colorado publication.  These ads often include no cover / free drink coupons, as well as information on special events (that may include drink/cover specials).
• As with any bar, higher than usual tipping will often result in stronger/occasionally comped drinks.  This is not the most effective way of saving money, but something to consider.
• Bring a flask.  Here in Denver at least, you arn’t frisked/forced thru a metal detector, etc on arrival.  Ordering diet cokes (claim you’re the designated driver, to stay on the waitstaff’s good side) and then topping them off with something stronger is a great way to save money while getting your buzz on.  Tip well and tip often if your sexy cocktail waitress is bringing you sodas (you’re still saving $$$ vs buying full priced drinks).
• Check your city’s convention schedule. Denver is blessed once a year with the Sex And So Much More show.  EVERY reputable strip club in town has a booth at this show, and in every case there are stacks and stacks of no cover cards free for the taking (Last year I enlisted the help of two friends to score, literally, hundreds of these.)
• Watch for holiday specials.  Here in Denver, one club in particular is famous for all day holiday parties that typically feature no cover, free lunch AND reduced drinks.
• Befriend the insiders.  If you notice someone dressed in a suit, wearing an earpiece, or carrying a walkie talkie, he’s likely the manager, or at least works for the club.  Befriending him with an offer to buy him a drink or asking a genuine question (”So, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever had to deal with working here?”) can work wonders.  They’re the gatekeepers to the club and can often help get you past a line or in for free if they know you.  Added bonus?  If the girls see you talking with a manager/the dj, it will generate social proof that can only work to your advantage when you make your move later.

heineken draught keg review

I heart Heineken.  I always associate it with air travel (I used to be a big in-flight Heineken guy) and think it’s one of the smoother, more refreshing beers out there.

Drinking it at home however, has only been an occasional indulgence. For some reason, it seems to be one of the ’skunkier’ beers out of the bottle.  Nowadays I tend to enjoy Heineken most on tap in the bar.

With the introduction of the Heineken Draught Keg, those mad geniuses from Holland aim to give me the best of both worlds.

 

WHAT IT IS

The draught keg, just as the name implies, is a miniturized, one use only, 5L keg.  It looks like some deliciously bloated can of Heineken, just waiting to explode with its signature fresh and fruity flavor.  It comes with a very simple plastic lever/tap mechanism and picture instructions showing how to use it.

USE

The instructions advise refrigerating the keg for 10 hours prior to use.  It shows a recommended temperature of ‘2-4 degrees’.  This is obviously a celsius measurement, but I can only imagine the first time some thirsty frat boys opt for the freezer treatment.  Kersplat.

After refrigerating, you simply fit a small plastic ring over the opening, and then slide the ‘tap’ lever into place (breaking a seal in the keg in the process).

Now, getting a frosty cold, true draught beer is as simple as raising the lever.  Unlike some other ‘mini kegs’ which are pretty much just oversized cans of beer with a tap in the side, Heineken’s Draught Keg is pressurized.

My first few mugs were pure foam (to be expected I’d imagine) but from there on out, I was pouring pub grade Heineken draughts in my kitchen.  Awesome. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

The draught keg’s 5 Liters yields just over 14 (12 oz) beers.  I paid $19.99 for mine.  This equates to $1.43 per beer.  I can’t think of a single happy hour in town with such cheap, quality tap beer.  The keg’s  bound to be a huge hit at outdoor barbeque’s and the like, and since it promises a 30 day shelf life once opened, the beer will run out long before the expiration date does. 

Absolutely recommended, and let’s just hope the technology spreads to other brewers in the near future.

drinking: new belgium 2 below product review

Denver, yesterday;

A winter wonderland of road rage fueled birds being flipped, horns being honked, and cars sliding about on the skating rink of I-25.

But not for me.

With a bemused smile I watched the antics of the poor fools trapped in their cars from the cozy warmth of the light rail train.

My commute? The usual 40 minutes. Not a second longer (and certainly not the 4 1/2 hour nightmare a coworker who lives just north of the city had to contend with)
The blizzard of 2006 was not without its blessings; including an early release from work yesterday that found me at home by noon.

After a delectable lunch of roast beef on panini and a side car of Bud Light, I determined my thirst was growing. A thirst for something a wee bit more hearty than my usual bowling brew (the Bud Light).

My immediate thoughts leaped to a nice bottle of scotch. Sadly, the Vietnamese seem to have an innate talent for two things; creating gorgeous female offspring, and inflating prices larger than a Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade float.

My usual $25 bottle of Johnnie Walker Black was going for $42. Not a chance.

My interest therefore shifted to the beer cooler, and I spied a six pack of this year’s “2 Below” winter ale from Colorado’s own gift to art of brewing; New Belgium.

$8.50 later, I was off.

Upon arriving home and cracking one open I was amazed at the robust flavor. A hint of caramel, perhaps just a pinch of chocolate and the delectable essence of beer battered bread.

For a beer that weighs in at a hefty 6.6% alcohol content, I was delighted by the smoothness; this was obviously a brew that could sneak up on you.

As I settled in for a long winter’s night of reading and watching DVD’s (I’d forgotten how hot Penelope Cruz looks in Blow, well, before she gets preggers and insane anyway) I was delighted to have such sublime company.

2 below is highly recommended.

d.i.y. : white trash christmas party

Tis the season to be jolly, and if you’re bored to tears by the ‘traditional’ Christmas get togethers, I suggest throwing a White Trash Christmas party.

It’s the best way yet to celebrate the hee haw holidays!

About 6 years ago I was living in the middle of the sticks.

Literally, my place was at the end of a dirt road. I don’t know if it was the surroundings, or just chronic boredom that drove me to throw my first Read more

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