the case of the curious critique

I take a certain (sadly bored) satisfaction in something about myself.  I’m rarely surprised.  By anything.  At this point in my life, especially when it comes to people, I have a knack for seeing the future.  Knowing what comes next.  Hearing the words before they leave your mouth.  It’s a blessing and a curse.  I was caught completely off guard the other night then, when out of nowhere?  Something unexpected.  Unexpectedly sucky, that is.

The scene?  Izakaya Den, Denver.  A hip, somewhat less formal sister restaurant to the world famous Sushi Den.  I’d made reservations for two.  Myself and a wonderful girl I rarely get to share a special meal with.  We both were dressed to kill and ready to enjoy our first meal in Izakaya’s gorgeous, richly hued dining room.  The brief conversation preceding our walk to the table?  As enriching and fun as it’s ever been.

Then?

Almost to the table? Read more

the case of the cursed contradiction

There’s a gas leak in your relationships; both passionate and platonic.  It’s poisonous.  You can’t hear it.  You can’t smell it.  But it’s there.  Slowly filling the room.  Waiting for a spark.  Or, simply enough time to pass that it finally knocks you out.  Leaving the relationship, and the other person’s positive perception of you, for dead.  Detecting and stopping it?  Is possible.  But takes work.  Swallowing one’s pride.  Caring enough.  To be the bigger, better person.

What is it?  Read more

now hiring: sexual security guard

The most important person in your relationship?  Isn’t you.  Or her.  Or him.  It’s a third party.  The most life saving, existence enhancing, happiness insuring party you can imagine.  You probably don’t have one, yet.  You need to get one, now.

Who the hell am I talking about?  Glad ya asked.

It’s your “SSG”; sexual security guard.  Consider him a chaperon of chaos.  An anger wrangler.  An escalation assassin. He’s the person you both have on speed dial.  #1 on your list (sorry mom, you’ve been bumped, I know you’ll understand).  The person you call.  Before you even think about calling; Read more

bounce your tolerance - life itself edition

I have a hunch about you.  It’s not pretty.  Ready?  You.  Take things.  For granted.  What things?  Try “everything”.  This is one of the most insulting things I can possibly say to you, and yet, it’s almost certainly true.  People like to wallow in their misery, lamenting things they don’t have, and perhaps, will never have.  They rarely realize the insane beauty of every simple element of existence.  So many joys; not a right, but a privilege.  And gorgeous ones at that.  Don’t believe me?  Howsa bout a little test.  We’ll call it taking a dip in the Sensory Deprivation Think Tank.  Give something up.  Something you truly love.  For four days.  And four nights.  Think of it as your own trip into the desert.  Jesus did it for 40 days, 40 nights, you should be able to handle four.  Or maybe not.  Perhaps you’re weaker than I give you credit for.  Nah, you’re good people.  You’re reading TGOC arn’t ya? 

I’ll give you two challenges, to really open your eyes to what I’m talking about.  The first is easy, though it likely won’t seem it.  The second is much, much harder (and infinitely more important).  This one won’t be easy either.  Trust me.

Alright, shall we begin? Read more

ultimate power play - he said, she said

Sometimes, the most important lessons in life catch you by surprise.  You feel dumb for not realizing them.  Understanding them.  Taking advantage of them.  Sooner.  Such was certainly the case recently, when my v.p. pulled an unspeakably powerful rabbit out of his hat.

It’s a method.  For changing people’s minds.  About each other.  Incompatible people.  Mortal enemies people.  Your people.  My people.  People whom, for whatever reason, you’d like to see getting along.  But don’t.

It’s subtle.  Sub-conscious.  Sublime.  It’s also one of the easiest to use, nearly impossible to resist techniques ever.  It’s good.  Oh so very very good.  It’s not a power play.  It’s an ultimate power play.

I recognized it during the dumbstruck hours following a meeting with my company’s second in command.  I should have been angry.  Dissatisfied.  Homicidal.  Instead?  I found myself inspired.  Optimistic.  At peace.

What the fuck. Read more

true romance - “the code” : t9 for lovers

All conflict comes from missed expectations.

In relationships, this can take many forms.  One of the simplest to avoid is one of the easiest to forget.  When you reach a certain point in a love affair, you start to think you can read each other’s minds.  In many cases, you can.  This is a gorgeous artifact of spending a lot of time with someone you care about.  The danger here is that Read more

the virtue of selfish charity

Mark my words.  One day.  I will be.  Extremely rich.  This concept amuses and bores me in equal doses.  It amuses me because of the foolish heathens gunning for my failure.  Proving them wrong will be a delicious treat indeed.  It bores me for a far more important reason;  I’m happy.  Right now.  Happier than I’ve ever been.  While living in relative poverty.  One of the greatest epiphanies of my entire life has evolved over the last two barely-making-ends-meet years:

Happiness and wealth can be mutually exclusive.

The benefits to my mindset, outlook, and emotional health of this realization cannot be overstated.  Still, the money is coming.  I need to prepare for it.  I have no less than three paths to richness.  They are running in parallel.  They are on track.  They are unstoppable.

Over the next few years, my financial situation will change dramatically.  The money will come.  Then what?

Well, somethings, certainly.

I have a tiny to-do list on my post-wealth radar screen. Read more

personal accountability: orgasms edition

I believe it was John F Kennedy who wisely said;  “Ask not what your partner can do for your orgasms; ask instead, what can your orgasms do for you.“  The answer;  a lot.  I’ve always said (see here) that outside the wonderful world of substances, an orgasm is the penultimate pinnacle of pleasure available to human beings.  I still do, and it still is.  Knowing this, why on earth would you put the power of achieving that pleasure in the hands (penis, tongue, fingers, etc) of someone else?  You wouldn’t.  You shouldn’t.  Don’t.

As the saying goes;  if you want something done right, you do it yourself.

There is one question I have never, and will never, ask a girl.  “Did you cum?”  Years ago, avoiding this question was probably a sign of insecurity on my part.  A nervousness about having the ability to help someone achieve an orgasm.  This was probably a wise move on my part.  Make that “a very wise move”.  Nowadays, this is the furthest thing from my mind.  (Or the minds of my girlfriends.  Rawr!)  At this point I’d never ask that question for a far more important reason: I.  Don’t.  Care.

Does this mean I don’t care about her?  Us?  My skills in the bedroom?  No.

It simply means I’ve realized that an orgasm, every orgasm, is an entirely independent event.  An event that I’m entirely responsible for.  As is she.  Whether I’m masturbating alone or about to share a spectacularly sweaty, simultaneous peak with my girlfriend, the orgasm itself is mine.  The pleasure, the rush of blood to both heads, the stars that seem to explode from the ceiling showering me with warmth and joy…  they’re mine.  Why?  Read more

trophy wife vs. trophy wise

Mark my words.  One day.  I will have.  A trophy wife.  How do I know this?  Two reasons.  First, I know myself.  Second, I’m trophy wise.  What the hell is ‘trophy wise’?  Glad ya asked.  “Trophy wise” is the state of knowing that anyone, be they a short term girlfriend or boyfriend, long term live-in-lover, or wife.. especially wife, should be a trophy.  To you.  Your personal trophy.  Based on your core values.  Your true goals.  Your honest beliefs.

Traditionally, “trophy wife” is a derogatory term used to describe a physically attractive woman (with no other redeeming qualities) married for the alleged ’status’ the partnership conveys.  This concept is bullshit on so many levels I wouldn’t know where to begin.  Anything acquired or desired as a ’status symbol’ (see here) is a one way ticket to hell.  The Reality of Superiority will own you before your first alimony check clears.

A trophy, in a more accurate sense, is something Read more

manage your own fucking expectations

One of the most disturbing movies of all time is also one of the most educational.  “The Shape of Things” is the story of a normal, somewhat awkward guy (played with typical aplomb by Paul Rudd) who falls in love with an edgy, anarchist art student (sinister succubus Rachel Weisz).  The pair seem completely mismatched from the start.  As the relationship develops however, Read more

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